Hello Friends. It has been a long time. This post is not going to be very witchy or pagany and I am sorry, in advance.
My last post was last year in April. I cant believe how long ago that seems and how much has happened in that time. The end of 2015 and much of 2016 has been one of the most trying times I’ve faced in my young life. Ive achieved my dream, worked my ass off, lost love, fallen apart and rebuilt myself. In fact, I am still in the process of rebuilding myself.
Through the last year, I have lost a lot of my spirituality. Clinical year of vet school is insanely busy, add other life stresses, and you lose a lot of yourself in just trying to survive and get by. But I made it. I graduated, and even started my first job. Im back in Ohio and have been working since February. I dont know if this job is where I will be long-term, but it is an amazing first job opportunity. But first jobs come with their own stresses. The learning curve is very steep and you have to re-wire yourself for medicine in the real world. So that has been a whole other distraction.
On the positive side, I am close to my family. I get to see them regularly and be a part of family functions again. I have adopted a rescue pup who has become a big project. He was an abuse case that was ditched at my clinic for biting the owner. Since then he’s only shown no evidence of aggression, and is proving to be a loving little turd. He has been a big part of my healing journey, as I have worked hard to heal him.
What nobody tells you about achieving your dream is what happens next. I have literally worked my entire life to achieve this career and I finally made it. I am a veterinarian. However, being a goal oriented person, I always had the goal to work for. Always had that dream that outshone everything. Now that I am here, I admit to feeling quite lost. It sounds counter-intuitive, no? But I find myself struggling with “what’s next?” Where do I go from here? Ive spent years being a gypsy. I moved around almost yearly for the past 8 years of my life. Now that I am in a job, and staring down the barrel of staying in one place for years, without some large goal ahead of me, I am terrified. I find myself having regular existential crises about what I want and what I need in life. This was all exacerbated by a dramatic break up, but I think that was just icing on the cake of a larger problem.
So, in dealing with this, I have worked hard the last several months. I have made myself extremely busy. Working, training the dog, spending time with family, dating, becoming an ordained minister, yoga, the gym. Now I find myself incredibly busy and distracted, but I think it is all putting off dealing with the larger problem. In taking time to slow down, I realized just how much my spirituality had fallen to the wayside. I hadn’t meditated in months, my spirits were silent, my gods were silent, my mental discipline was almost completely gone. Things that came so easily before this last year took a lot of effort and time.
Enter Samhain. This year was all about reconnecting, I had been feeling the call more and more and it became clear that I could no longer put it off. I devoted the entire day to the experience. Began with fasting, nothing but tea and water all day. Then after work was devoted to nothing but spiritual work. I did a lot of reading and meditation. Had a craft that I planned throughout the day and completed. In going through my supplies, I discovered a piece that I had been missing since I moved off of the island. And the spot in which I found it, was not where It should have been. I took this as a message that I might just be on the right course again. For the first time since I was on St Kitts, I donned my bone choker and cast my circle.
While it may not have been the momentous spiritual experience we all envision, I got some clear messages and a good nudge in the right direction. I also feel a lot more level and aligned with myself than I have in a very long time. It felt like coming home, when I have not felt at home in a very very long time.
For now, I do not know where I am going. I do not know what I want, anymore. A younger, more naive self thought he did about a year ago. However, If I have learned anything, it is that you cant rely on that. My spirits taught me to be adaptable, and that’s been a harsh lesson the last year. So here I am, muddling through as always. Hopefully, I will be here more often as I grow back into my spirituality. I have ideas for many posts that I have had for a while. I look forward to the journey ahead, while remaining thoroughly daunted by it.
Mitakuye oyasin, dear friends. More to come soon.